We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
