i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
