I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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