My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
A bitchslap is in order.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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