remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
We had to coat check the pizza.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
