So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
