Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
