Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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