you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
