guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
