you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
