every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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