my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
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i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
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My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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