I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Randomize
