the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
