I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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