I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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