I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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