it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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