So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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