The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
