I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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