my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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