And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
