he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
