I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
