Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
