He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
