dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
