before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
