I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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