we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
