my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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