Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
