My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I need moral support for this bender
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
