The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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