I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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