do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
