Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
