Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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