Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
