Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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