I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
