I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
