I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
