Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
