I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
