I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
