Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
