i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
