i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
