so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
