I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
